Eyes Wide Open

Starting with the hear and now...

Tonight I have a "date".   I place "date" in quotes because I am not sure if it can be considered a date.  He's a married man.  I know!  Don't judge me. 

His name is Drew.  He lives in the town I grew up.   Where I will be moving back to in less than 2 weeks.   I met him on the Adult Site.  (I will explain more about this site in a future post).   For as long as I can remember, he's been viewing my profile there.   And for as long as he's been peeking at me, I've been peeking back.  He's cute.  At least his picture is.   Boy next door look.  Unassuming.  Wearing a baseball hat in the pic.  Very average.  Cute, but average.  Not one of the super hot guys with a beautiful chest picture....just the regular guy who you'd see in the park with his kids.   Not much in his profile.   Of course next to "marital status" he has answered: Prefer not to say.   We all know what that means....MARRIED.   He didn't deny it when asked.   Just another married guy looking for attention.

Two weeks ago we started chatting.   He had peeked at my profile....I had peeked back.  At the top of his profile he had something like: Ms. So&So, please turn your profile on.   Followed by something about woman should turn their profiles on if they flirt with him.  That made me laugh.   I knew from spending enough time on the Adult Site that fake flirting was a site scam.   The ratio of men:woman is ridiculous!   It's got to be like 150:1 or something.   LOL  so the Adult Site has to do SOMETHING to keep men there and paying money.   Therefore, they send fake flirts from fake profiles to men.   And then the fake profiles get turned off.   But at least the men THINK they are getting some attention and have a chance there.   It's quite amusing, actually.  

Anyhow, I felt a little bad that he was hopeful this Ms. So&So would turn their profile on.   I had never communicated with him, but felt a connection...don't know why....so I sent him an email informing him of the Adult Site scam.   I felt like someone should.   He replied back with something like he figured that was the case and what "sneaky little bastards" they were.  laughing at himself at the same time.  Sneaky little bastards is a phrase I often use.  Funny to hear him say it.   He also made a comment about how beautiful I was and we should keep in touch.   He had written me about 6 or so months before inviting me to meet him at a bar in my hometown.   I didn't reply.   He was married.   I am not interested in married men!   As I always say: I didn't get divorced to be some married man's dirty little secret!!!   (I will write a whole other post on that at a  later date).   This time I replied back again....and so it began.  

I guess it's because lately it seems to be easier to be friends with men than woman (again, a whole other post)...and since I am moving back soon, it would be nice to have a buddy to chat with in person.  I'll be "losing" Tom, my current local male friend, when I move.   Ok...not losing him....but I know when I move, it won't be the same.   Not the daily talks and advice.    And I will need some sort of escape from the home situation.   Me and my 2 girls will be moving in with my sister and her husband.   And, by the way, my mom also lives there in and in-law....Yeah....that's going to be a whole lot of family togetherness!!!!   It will be nice to have someone to meet for a drink and just chat.   I told Drew...PLATONIC only.   He didn't pressure.   What he did do, was just be himself.   He surprised me.   He was very intelligent.  Funny.  Kind of dorky.  A lot like me!  LOL   He said the same thing several times: we think alike!   I had a feeling this was going to be a good friendship.  

We chatted in the beginning about that he found me very attractive.  I always find that strange.  But again, that is a whole separate topic....that might even be a whole separate blog!! LOL
I told him that I thought he was very cute....but that I deserved better than to be with someone else's man.  He understood.   And we just chatted away.   About why he strays from his wife.  about my past.   about work, kids, and just being silly.  

Last night I saw MD online .  I decided to say hi.   Just a few weeks before he had crushed me.  After nearly a month of non stop texting and chatting...we had met in person.  The date went great! and he had asked me for another.  Anyhow, to make a long story short he told me last night he had met someone else.  I thought he had removed his profile from POF because of the reason he gave me for wanting to put "us" on hold.  Life was complicated for him right now...etc...  Nope....it was just too complicated for me in his life. My feelings were really hurt last night.   I had truly thought he was a "good guy".  He probably is.   Just not into me.  Regardless my feelings were HURT.   Over the weekend Chef Tom had crashed and burned too.  It must be me.  What is wrong with me?   And while waiting for a good guy, I haven't had sex since January.  Almost 8 months.  After the conversation with MD, I was feeling reckless and just need a release now!  I chatted with a 25 yr old soldier...but that didn't do it for me.   I saw McPaddy online and was chatting with him, I know he'd be naughty with me....then I saw Drew's pic pop up on the Adult Site.   I IM'd him immediately.  I told him I needed to be naughty...he said it would take just one kiss to convince me to be naughty with him.   I doubted it would even take that...lol.    I asked When....he said tomorrow night.   His wife thought he was going to the beach to fish anyhow. That he would just meet me for a drink instead.  He said he was suppose to go to Plum Island.   I love Plum Island.  He said: really?  Yes, really!   How about if we go there?   Sounds good.  

So tonight I am packing a cooler with some adult beverages, a blanket, and going to the beach at night with a strange married man.   Yes, reckless.  Not sure what will happen.  Perhaps we will just talk.  Ha!  not likely.   We will likely make out like teenagers.   Perhaps more.  I need more right now.   I need to be made to feel attractive.  I need to feel like I am making someone else feel good.  I like Drew.   He makes me laugh.  Since he's married, I can't have any expectations from him.  He can't let me down.  Right?   Let's face it, I know I like him, and by crossing this line I am setting myself up to be hurt.  But in the meantime it will feel good.   Right now, I desperately need to feel good.  But I know what I am getting into.  I am walking into a potential train wreck with my eyes wide open.